God I've been having some terrible days.

Yesterday was okay right? Went to school, chilled out. I came home and played with my kitty for a while, loved her, laughed at her and snuggled with her.

It was the last time I saw her alive.

At around nine ish last night, my kitty Maxxie had a seizure and died in the living room. I'd do anything to get her back. It was terrible. My mom came running into the backroom where I was just screaming and crying and she held me and I didn't understand why she was crying. When she finalyl got her voice she kept on telling me she was so sorry and I didn't know why. She then told me my Maxxie had died.

I remember feeling weird. Like it wasn't real. I didn't want it to be real. Maxxie was my baby and I didn't want to believe it. My sister started to cry and I just kinda went numb. My dad came into the back room and grabbed a box and wouldn't let me go see my cat. I thought it was some kind of sick joke but when I saw the tears streaming down my dad's face I knew it was real.

I burst into tears, and then I went numb again.

I sat in the back room and stared at the floor, while my parents just rubbed my back and told me they didn't understand it either. She was healthy, there was nothing wrong with her, she just kinda had a fit. I looked around and all I could think of was how only moments ago my kitty was right infront of me, purring and playing with me. She was alive and now she was dead. I wanted to die.

I sat in the living room, and the box was infront of me. I couldn't open it and look. I couldn't. I stared at the box as tears ran down my face, and soon my dad took it away from me and put it in the shed because my sister's cat Sara was freaking out. Maxxie was her best friend and Sara knew that she was gone. I was so upset but I didn't want to show it. I soon grabbed the cat bed Maxxie loved so much and went into the bedroom. I looked at the window, and I saw my Maxxie sitting there, where she usually was. I blinked, and the window sill was empty. I crawled on the bed, and there was still an indent in the sheets where Maxxie had laid only an hour before. I hugged the cat bed and I just curled into a ball and cried. I wanted my baby back.

My mom came in and we talked, and all I wanted was to know why it was my baby that had to die. I don't understand, she was okay. She was okay. But something happened and I just wish I was there for her.

I dreamt of holding her, and I woke up and told my mom I had to go to school. I showered, and the entire time I expected Maxxie to just start tapping on the glass of the shower so I could pet her. It was so quiet. She was always playing with my wet hair after a shower and I was so alone. I put on some bum clothing and got dropped off. I didn't talk much with anyone, I didn't say. Rachael knew though, since I had talked to her on msn. In science I cried a bit but kept it to myself. I hurt so badly.

We had a Remembrance Day ceremony, and I stared at the ground the entire time. All I kept thinking was how I never got to say goodbye. I had cried a bit before we went outside and Katye held me and asked me what was wrong. I shook it off.

Afterwords I went to drama and my mood lightened just a bit. Then it was lunch and I went down to the caf with Jason. That's when I told him. He looked at me and shook his head and told me how sorry he was. Then he went upstairs and basically announced to everyone. I wanted to shoot him. Everyone started telling me how sorry they were and all i wanted to do was scream. I don't want your fucking sympathy I wanted my kitty back. I wanted my baby.

Before guitar, I got a hug from everyone. I wanted to leave before but Rachael pulled me in a hug. I wanted to cry in her arms but I know she wouldn't have to deal with a crying me again. I went to the guitar room and kept to myself.

When I went to Careers, I told Tabi. I had been in a bad mood and she was pissed off, but once I told her Maxxie died she cried. She cried and held me and told me how sorry she was. Tabi loved my Maxxie almost as much as I did, and she just teared up and couldn't stop crying.

I calmed down a bit in careers, but not much.

I went upstairs and I was okayish, but when I got home I cried. My Maxxie wasn't at home waiting for me. I didn't get a kiss from her as I walked in the door. I didn't get a purr or a little rub. Sara was sitting in the window, just staring at nothing. I know what she is feeling. She lost her best friend.

I put on some gloves and went to the shed, and my mom opened the box for me. I burst into tears when I saw my kitty. It really hit me then that she was actually dead. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping. But she wasn't breathing, and all I kept saying was 'Wake up Maxxie, please wake up . . . "

I got a few minutes alone with her. Her body was so hard, and it wasn't soft anymore. Her mouth was open a bit, and I played with her ears because she loved it when I did it before. I told her how much I loved her, and that she was always going to be my baby. I closed the box and cried, and my mom gave me a hug. My mom and dad then said goodbye, and my sister couldn't even look at her. That was the scariest in the world, to see my baby in a box, dead. I put in a bracelet that Deanna had given me - it's a green one, one of the ones Maxxie always enjoyed playing with, in the box, and we buried my Maxxie in the back yard. We put the flowers that Maxxie loved to play with on the grave, and I felt a little better that she was finally okay and not in the shed. I went inside and kinda cried for a bit, but then Carolyn called and I went out with her. Carolyn got my mind off of my Maxxie. We went to Tim Hortons, then headed to her house and hung out. We talked a lot, and I really enjoyed myself. We laughed and watched Guns N' Roses and Blind Melon. My mom picked me up at 11, then we went to A&P, then home. I kinda teared up - I'm never going to be happy here again. I miss my Maxxie.

I went outside and said goodnight to her, blowing a kiss at the grave. I then came online and I was chatting to Rachael and Jason. I just really wish I could have my Maxxie back. I hate this feeling of emptiness and guilt. I wish I had my cat back.