Fuck it.

Why can't I just shut up, smile and laugh like the rest of the fakes in this world of poseurs and whores? Why do I need to cut and flinch and play dumb like everyone else?

I want to fucking die.

I can admit to it but when it is said to me my heart just races and I want to cry.

I want to be everything I'm not because who I am now is just a stupid fucking whore who cuts and thinks that if she wishes every night a knight in shining armor will come and save her and all will be forgotten. She can smile and show off her lovely new arms that are not scarred and burned, and she can actually laugh without it coming out as a choked sob.

Fuck the world.

I hate me. With a passion.

I want to be someone else. New personality, look, smile, laugh. Everything that distingushes me is a lie.

Kat has called twice this evening. When I answered the phone the first time, I got the operator saying "You have a collect call from -"

And all I heard was "YOUR SEXY BLACK LOVER WHO WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!"

Wow the operater obviously had fun with this call. I said yes to the charges and I said a polite hello and all I heard was a girl screaming my name in the background and another girl going "Yo chika I thought I might give you a call considering I never did leave a number for you to reach me at!"

I was so delighted to hear her voice again. I asked her about how life has been, and she has been quite well lately. Her and Martina have been laying low on the weed, Dennise's stomach is rather huge and Kat is learning to play the saxaphone. I let Kat ramble about was was going on in her life, and Martina went on the other line so she could put in her random comments, then there was a pause and all I heard was "Something fucked up big time, didn't it Danyel"

God how she knows these things I will never EVER understand. I laughed, giggled and made random comments but I never thought I did anything to cause suspicion. Although apparently I'm a big attention whore according to the whole wide fucking world so I guess I let something slip knowing my fucking personality.

I just kinda spilled the beans on the past couple of months. How I am so stressed out about Renee and how I just want her to go fuck herself, and how I tried to commit suicide and that I'm right back to ciggerettes on the real bad days. How I just get to the point where I cry and hate everyone in the world and I go and cut and then I pretend like no one is going to notice. How I just want someone to hold me while I tell them what is really on my mind and not the lies I make up. The lies that make me the attention whore I am. I heard a click and for a moment I thought Kat had hung up on me, but then I heard "Danyel, listen to me. Say goodbye to me, go make yourself some peppermint tea, go to your room, grab some paper and just doodle. Draw, scratch - whatever you need to do on that paper. Then write in your diary about things - not your blog, your diary. Write down every secret you've ever kept, every lie you have ever told, then go outside and burn it. At around 9:30ish I will give you a call back and you tell me everything okay? I am not going to talk to you when you have gotten youself all worked up. Love you bye"

Then I heard a click that told me she hung up. Now this got me thinkin - maybe I should do this every time I get worked up? Instead of talking to people when I am angry, just go have some tea and put my feelings on paper then burn it?

So I did everything Kat told me to. After the whole burning part (my hands are nice and toasty warm from the fire) I went online and started chatting with people (got myself a bit worked up but I forgot about it when I heard a phone call) it was Kat again, but this time my mom answered the phone and told me that my "Black Latino who isn't a latino lover" is on the phone xD

So I am still talking to her now, but about happy things. She told me that I shouldn't talk to people about my problems on the phone or on msn because then the message isn't conveyed correctly. They can't see my facial expression therefore can talk it an entirely different way than the way you intended it to be. She told me that whatever it is that was bothering me, I have to face it. I can't hide from anything anymore, I can't stop making up problems just to hide the real ones. I guess she is right - I make up scenarios in my head so I don't have to deal with what I actually have to deal with.

I love Kat so.

I get so angry at myself at times. How is it I have gotten to the point where no one except Kat knows me? I've made a terrible mistake in my past, and I just continued making more and more and now all of them are coming back to get me and I'm scared.

Happy time.

Jason came back to school today. I missed him so. It's weird - Jason makes me feel pretty shitty at times but damnit I feel safer with him than I do anyone else. Well, I feel safe in Rachael's arms and Zoe's arms, but there is something with Jason that I can't describe. Maybe it's because he is a guy? I don't know. Rachael can be very manly at times >__<

I'm passing science with a 63, which is great because I've done jack shit in that class ^__^

Anyways, I am going to head off. It's kinda hard doing homework, updating my blog, chatting and listening to Kat sing xmas songs all at the same time.